Committing to Ourselves

As a woman of today’s world, I find it increasingly harder to commit to a life where I know that I will constantly be under attack. I have come to notice that this is a problem that most men and women suffer; we have to constantly be on defense. Sometimes life can make us wonder if it is worth it to continue to have the fighting spirit or should we just give up?

My family and I love to sit around and talk. We talk about life, politics, education, love, you name it. Recently, we were having a conversation about how hard it is in today’s work force; how tough it is for people to get jobs. Young people are having trouble getting jobs because employers believe they are all lazy, irresponsible and unreliable. They can’t trust young people. Some think we lack loyalty and that we can be incompetent at times. Women are unreliable too. Women are having problems because employers fear that at any moment they can get married, get pregnant or, simply, get cramps and stop coming in to work. So for a young woman as myself, what am I to do in this ignorant society?

We ARE a very different generation, we even have our own distinct culture and, as such, we have new problems and vices as well as new things to offer. Young people of today have new and innovating ideas. We have a new way of looking at things and we can bring in new perspective to a job that no one but someone from this era can bring. The most important hope that I have for my generation is that, even when things are as hard and sometimes grim as they are, we do not give up so easily. I would like to think of us as survivors. We have been attacked physically and emotionally in ways that our grandparents had never thought we would. We survived attacks on our countries, we are surviving a war that seems ceaseless at this point and we will survive each other and any one that sets barriers before us.

Hope and the will to keep on fighting are the two things that can never leave us. Every time I think of how difficult this world is getting, for me, for young people, for women and even for men, I remember how important it is to not give up because the moment we do we give up on ourselves. I always tell my younger brother, “Be careful with the decisions that you make now when you are young because they will define every aspect of the man you will become. Don’t cheat your future self from what he… you deserve.” It is strange to think of the person that I am now and the person I will become as two different people but in a way, we are different. It is just like looking back at the person that I used to be when I was younger and comparing her to the person I am now; I see a very different me.

I decided to be careful about my decisions and to keep on fighting for my person and my future self was when my ‘racist’ grandfather told me he had a black girlfriend. He said to me, “I was just like you when I was young, so passionate about so many issues. I dated a black girl once. When I told my mom she said that I was wasting my time with that Black girl and that I should make my race better not worse. I got so mad at her. I began yelling at her and saying that I was going to marry her and that she should be ashamed because her mother was black. I was so mad, but, in the end, I grew up and I realized that she was right. I had to be realistic and I chose someone that’s right so that our children would be right. That’s just how the world works; you can’t go against the society you live in forever.” It is very difficult for me to think that I could ever change my beliefs so drastically but sadly a lot of people let themselves get lost and change for the worst. The thing is that changing in that way is my choice and I can decide not to loose myself. I could never conform to the unethical ideals of my society like he did. Society has a way for setting rules and labels for the type of people that we “should” to be. This is why I decided not to let the erroneous ideals of others change the person that I am or will become. We have to keep fighting. We have to be a generation that fights for ourselves because otherwise we will conform to all the things that we are against. If we don’t fight for ourselves, if we don’t believe in ourselves, if we don’t commit to who we are, how do we ever expect to commit to someone else?

Another characteristic of our generation is how quickly our world is changing and, if we are not committed to ourselves and making ourselves better, how can we ever make our relationships work? We have to commit to ourselves before we can commit to someone else. When we look at our present selves and our future selves, they will be two different people but we have to decide how different they are going to be otherwise we risk becoming someone we or our loved ones might not like. This is why many of people are scared of marriage because they are afraid of loosing themselves; of loosing the essence of who they are. We need to make the decision to not let it happen; otherwise, imagine the problems you will face being married to someone that is no longer your match. Imagine yourself married and twenty years later you look in the mirror and see someone that is completely different. Imagine looking at the person lying next to you and seeing someone completely different to whom you first fell in love with, someone you no longer recognize and whom you no longer love.

It is sad to think that I could become the type of person that I am now against. I will continue to fight so that what happened to grandpa does not happen to me; I refuse to loose myself. I will not give up or conform to society’s ideals about women, marriage, youth, seniors or anything they wish to categorize me as. We cannot give up. We must be strong. Will this entire struggle be worth it in the end? I don’t know what the future holds but I know that I am worth it, my future is worth it and that I will never can never give up on being me. Will you?

Our generation is going to be faced with a very big challenge. We need to watch ourselves this New Year and every upcoming year that approaches because any decision that we make can shape the person we might become. Commit to being yourself and don’t ever give up on her.

Ana "The Guru"

LWC

Nasty Old Men!

Very frequently so it happens to me that I am walking in a store or any other public place and I have to confront looks that if they could would literally eat me! The looks I am talking about are those of men that are much older than you. Worst of all is that they can not appreciate that you are there in a respectful or even decent manner. No! They have that very penetrating look that makes you feel uncomfortable and even sometime can make you feel as if they were taking your clothes off.

The first thing that goes through my mind is: Why are they looking at me in the first place? Take a look at yourself and compare your age with mine! You could actually be my father or even worse my grandfather! The world been so big and having so many young handsome guys, why would I want to have something with a man that has double or triple my age? I just consider these men sick. I would never look at a man much older than me. What do they have to offer? Maybe their good intentions but you could be certainly sure they have impotence and many health problems. There might be a couple of women that like older men but the great majority aim for the ones their age.

The second thing that makes me furious when an old man is looking at me is that they do not have any respect for their children and wife and they look at you even if they are present. Me as the wife of the man would not tolerate that type of behavior of looking at every other young women that goes by in front of them. Men like this do not have any shame and do not know how to appreciate their family and especially their wives.

I would say that these men loose their time staring and looking at young women that way they do. The only thing that goes through our minds when we have to deal with men like this is the following: “Please take a look at yourself, check out that physical appearance; too many white hairs or worst of all pitch black ROGAINE color hair. And also take a look at your wrinkles a raisin looks better than you!” I know that many of us young women think to ourselves but then again there are many others that just say it loud and clear to their face: “Nasty old man!”

It stills bothers me a lot to see an older man staring at me. I have just chosen to ignore them and keep on walking. But of course once in a while I am with my mom and I let her take care of the situation! She gives them dirty looks or best of all she tells them to their face how nasty they look staring at me.

Italis "The Survivor"
LWC

Honor Killings

Honor killings, a tradition practiced by Muslims in which a male family member kills a woman to save the family honor, are truly practiced world wide by men of all countries and races. In most cases the men committing these crimes receive little or no punishment. In an honor killing, a woman is killed because she has disgraced the family name by having pre-marital sex, committing adultery, flirting, and in some cases for only looking at a male outside of the family in the eyes, or even being suspected of any of these acts. In our so called modern society which we claim to have so many rights and freedoms in, honor killings still occur on a daily basis. Crimes of passion as we ignorantly call them are the equivalent to honor killings. Women are frequently killed by a jealous husband or lover because these men found out or merely believed their female partners were having an affair. In most countries including our own these men do not receive the punishment they so rightly deserve, instead most of them plead temporary insanity and their punishment is not as severe as it should be.

As a woman living in today’s society it saddens me that such horrible and atrocious acts are still being committed against defenseless women. In India some women are killed by their husbands because their dowry was considered too small by his family members. Incredible but true women are killed because they do not have enough money to support their husband. 16 “official” dowry deaths occur each day, while 68 “unofficial” deaths occur each day in India. These women suffer horrible deaths such as burning, poisoning and by means of many other monstrous and despicable methods. http://www.aidindia.org/nodowry/

Honor killings are not the only crimes of passion being committed against women, there are also other types of abuse, such as domestic violence, acid attacks, even sexual abuse many times happening within a relationship. These types of abuse are just as appalling as honor killings. Men who commit these particular crimes go completely unpunished a large percentage of the time, due to the fact that women do not report these types of abuse because of fear of being harmed any further, humiliation or in many cases are forced by their partners to think that it is their own fault.

No woman or child should ever have to suffer at the hands of an abusive husband or father. Committing any of these crimes is a clear violation of a persons human rights and the law. If you, or any woman or child you know is being harmed in any way it is your responsibility to act on their behalf and make sure they receive the adequate help. A woman’s life is very valuable to her children her family, her friends and other women just like her who care and would like to see women lead a successful and healthy lifestyle. For information on how to help abused women contact us and we will try to locate centers, women support groups, and organizations which help women financially or visit http://www.fstb.net/default.html remember it is a liberated woman’s responsibility to help herself and others.


Norely “The Player”

LWC

The First Move

We have so many excuses for it, among them we say, “The guy is supposed to make the first move” or, “Girls are not supposed to hit on guys” or, “If he is really interested, he would come talk to me” or, my personal favorite, “I am too hot to be the one making the first move, they need to come to me.” Too many times women have lost opportunities because they refuse to make the first move. Women cannot keep wasting time on archaic ways of thinking. Ladies, I think it is time to take charge of our lives; it’s time for a dating revolution. I mean, really, what are we so afraid of?

Women have come a long way over the years. From covering up, to strutting our stuff, we are in the game, whether we are trying or not. Women have a way of seducing men without even trying. Think about it. We get up extra early to do our make up or our hair; we put extra care into what we wear and how we smell. For us to be seduced, men need to work at it, but for women it is second nature; we don’t even need to try that hard. You think you are doing all that preparation for yourself, but deep down inside you know why you want to look good. It’s instinct, second nature, but don’t feel bad because men do it too. We all do it. So if you know you have caught someone’s attention, why not go up to him and say hi?

A friend told me that “girls are not supposed to make the first move” but I say, ‘why not?’ Guys can be shy too. Besides, sometimes we tend to give off the wrong signals about ourselves without even noticing. You may be the sweetest most loving and beautiful girl in the world but you may be giving off signals that are saying the complete opposite about you. I know that you are thinking ‘well if a guy really likes you he would have the guts to come talk to you’ but think of it this way, a guy has a bigger chance of being rejected from a girl than a girl does from a guy. Analyze yourself, if a guy sits next to you and starts talking to you, you will take one look at him and immediately form a judgment. Then you will automatically assume he is hitting on, ‘why else would he be talking to you’ and even if you don’t assume it, the thought enters your head. Finally based on that first judgment you have and on the short words you exchanged you will decide if he is worth your time or if you will blow him off. Women are vicious this way because, whether he is or he isn’t interested, we automatically assume the guy is hitting on us.

Men don’t quite see it that way. When girls make the first move it is not a, “Hey baby, what’s up?”, “You are looking good,” type of seduction. It’s more subtle. Don’t get me wrong, some girls are more aggressive than others and, if you can get away with it, then more power to you, but, for the most part, when women make the first move it’s more subtle. It takes technique and finesse. Girls usually tend to ‘just talk’; we try to get to know the person as if we were getting to know a new friend. And this is how it should be. Don’t go to talk to a guy with expectations, just try to make a new friend. This is how people form relationships, by forming a connection. Don’t let the thought of making the first move scare you because, when you ‘just talk’, you wont be letting him know you like him or that you find him attractive, you are just getting to know the person and if it turns out that you don’t connect, at least you have just made a new friend.
Guys are usually clueless when it comes to girls making the first move. So chances are that he won’t even realize what you are doing and in the off chance that you end up liking him you can throw him some little hints to let him know. If he is interested he will let you know either way; so, all you’ll need to do is open the doors little by little. Of course, there is a chance that he might just see you as a friend, but don’t take this as rejection because it isn’t. It is just a friend valuing the friendship he has with you. However, if you both get to know each other and connect, then you have initiated the base to a new relationship.

Sometimes it’s good to bend the ‘rules’ of romance to get what you want. Remember that even confident guys are cautious about making the first move. Sometimes they need help and there is nothing wrong with girls hitting on guys. In fact, some guys like that because it emanates confidence, self worth and respect. Also, some guys like it when a girl takes charge, not bossy (nobody likes a bossy man or woman), but strong and assured. It is time to let go of your fears and to take charge of your love lives not just wait for some guy to fall out of the sky.

Ana “The Guru”
LWC

The Constant Questioning

It sounds unusual to hear that in this time there is a college girl that is twenty years old and is still a virgin. I imagine there are other people in my same situation that probably have to answer yes to the constant question: “Are you a Virgin?” If the answer is yes, depending on who you are talking to, it can have more than one different outcome. If you are talking with a group of friends and you tell them you are still a virgin they most probably tease you or maybe they will not believe your answer. In the other hand if you are talking to a guy and you say you are still a virgin they most probably will stop talking to you and get away from you. I am saying this because I had to go through this situation more than once.
Most guys that try to get close to me see my physical appearance like one of a woman between the ages of 24 and 26 years of age. The most important aspect that they see in me is that they think I have the experience that a woman that age is supposed to have. They assume that I’ve experienced having more than one relationship with both happy and sad endings. They also assume that I am sexually advanced because, typically, by this a woman at least has had sex once if not more.
To many men, my body creates a false image that is proved wrong once I open my mouth to speak. There is no correlation between what they see and what they hear. At the end, that interest they had created towards me fades away taking them away too.
I get mad to know that my physical appearance attracts guys that are coming with the intentions of sleeping with me. I do not want anybody to think that I see sex as something wrong or immoral because that is not the way I see it. Despite the fact that I do not have much experience in this topic, I share conversations with others about their experiences and how great sex is. The worst part of all is knowing that most men want to go directly to sex and they forget about everything else. They see sex as a necessity that they are trying to subdue, like an itch you need to scratch, and they forget that to get to that point they cannot hurry or pressure the other person. The think they are in a race they need to win but the only way to win is to get the approval of the woman they desire.
I would say that if all the men that had tried to come close to me had put sex as their second priority and would have had patience maybe they would of have obtain that they wanted. It’s the words, how you appreciate and value that person, how you go that extra mile for me that would make me change my firm decision of making love with a guy.
I know many would call me obsolete because of my way of thinking but I will continue with my decision of being a virgin until a guy that understands supports and respects my way of thinking comes along. For now I will still be a virgin and much proud of it!

Italis "The Survivor"

LWC

Tre metri sopra il cielo?

There’s a saying which says that love makes you feel like you can touch the sky. I once saw a movie in which the female lead asked the male lead if his love for her made him feel like he could touch the sky. He replied: tre metri sopra il cielo, or three meters over the sky. It makes you wonder; true love, does it really exist or is it just a myth? Do people really fall in love, or do they just become obsessed? Is love something we discover on our own or is it something we strive for like we have been taught since birth?

Like many people I ask myself is love an excuse to act different and not be yourself, an excuse to break the daily routine and have something to look forward to each and every day. Since I can remember, love to me seems like an addiction or a natural high. Most people seek love to get that wonderful feeling at the beginning where everything is perfect and they believe they have found happiness at last. As time passes by, the arguments begin, the jealousy takes over, neither side can remember what exactly was that made them fall in love, and heartbreak occurs. Inevitably the cycle repeats itself all over again for most people. Love in a way is like alcohol, when you first drink it you get this fun and wonderful buzz that makes you feel like you can touch the sky. After a while the buzz goes away and comes the depressing part known as the “hang over” during which you swear you will never go near another alcoholic beverage again. Inevitably the hangover fades and so does the feeling of never wanting to see, taste or even smell alcohol again; and the cycle repeats itself.

So if people fall in love knowing that it will end up in heartache does that make them pessimistic? On the other hand there are those who perceive love as a young girl does a rose. It is beautiful but it has hidden thorns that which pierce your skin and make you bleed. Yet she chooses to be ignorant and thinks the rose is so beautiful she decides to go through the rose bush and try to find the one with no thorns. So if people go into relationships expecting it will last a lifetime and believe they will find the typical movie or fairy tale ending should they be called fools or should we admire their bravery and determination?

In all truth love is like everything else in life, it is something that most have to work very hard at, it is fragile and very sensitive at first. It takes hard work and determination from both sides to make it work. It means knowing when to stand up for what’s right and also when to say you’re sorry, not only that but also compromise, finding a middle ground and a place that is comfortable and fair for both. Most people sit back and expect love to work for them, when it should be the other way around.

I used to think that love wasn’t real and that people were just masochists for even attempting to find love knowing it could end up in heartache. I’ve now come to realize that love isn’t fairy tale or a movie, it’s better than that. A few days ago I saw an old couple that were probably in their late sixties and they were holding hands and seemed very caring with each other, it made me realize that as long as people learn to see what is right in front of them then there is no question that love exists. I’ve also learned that if you learn to let go of all of those types of expectations love will inevitably find its way to you, but it’s up to you whether of not it can take you tre metri sopra il cielo and keep you there.

Norely "The Player"

LWC

Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right

“Mr. Perfect: tall, dark, handsome with a smile that makes you turn wild. He is kind and gentile; he loves children and animals; he is an incredible dancer and loves me for who I am; …” When I was younger I used to keep a box of prayers in which I put my prayer for the “perfect man”. Looking down the list made me realize that, (1) my taste hasn’t really changed much in the past five years and (2) that I have very high expectations. I have approximately 70 qualities on my list that describes my “perfect man” physically but mostly emotionally. Seventy qualities is a lot but, in reality, we probably have a lot more standards by which we hold people. The problem is that, when it comes to that special someone, “PERFECT” is an incredibly high standard. Perfect means flawless, being without defect, being without anything wrong. Though many men and women keep in mind that people are anything but perfect, we all still thirst to find that “perfect” someone and end up being disappointed because Mr. Perfect is an illusion. Looking for perfection gets us into a lot of trouble and a lot of heartache. It’s not ok to settle but it’s not ok to set our relationships for failure.

Many women today are skeptics; they look at any man and almost immediately find “something wrong”. They think, “Oh, well he was too short! Girl you know me. I got a height requirement. If he is not 4 inches taller than me, it’s not going to happen.” Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too dark, too light, too pretty, too ugly, too sensitive, too macho, too funny, too serious, too religious, too needy, too much! Give the poor guy a chance. Men have many dimensions and many layers, but you need to take the time to go through them. Sometimes you can find the most amazing relationships in the people you least expect to. Finding something wrong in someone else is very easy because they are not “perfect”---nobody is. The true challenge or adventure is finding something to hold on to, looking beyond the flaws and finding that connection that we all long for. Sometimes we need to really savor the dish in order to gets its true flavor. Nobody said love was easy!

Reality check: You are NOT perfect! How can you expect perfection from someone else when you are not perfect yourself? You are also “too this or too that” sometimes. It’s ok if you don’t check off all the qualities on your list because, as Hugh Grant said to Sandra Bullock in the movie Two Weeks Notice, “Perfect is BORING!” You need flaws or differences in order to learn from each other, to keep it real, to spice it up and to remind us that we a all different and that we need to compromise. When you add hot sauce to a taco, it may hurt your tongue a bit, but it sure gives it one heck of a kick!

They key quality in my “Mr. Perfect” profile list is “loves me for me”. We all want someone that loves us for who we are but, the catchy part is loving them for who they are. This is where “Mr. Right” comes along to take us home from la-la land. Mr. Perfect is an illusion, a man that cannot humanly exist except for in our heads. However, Mr. Right is someone that we love beyond the flaws and who loves us the same. Mr. Right will have some of the qualities but he will always find some way to challenge you every day. Mr. Right is the reality; the special man who is right for you; whose love will evolve and grow as you both grow and mature with age and life experience.

Love also has many layers and stages. Sometimes you can only break the surface, which is why some relationships are short, but sometimes you can find something deeper that you can take with you through the different stages of your life and it grows and evolves with you along the way. Love changes and evolves into new forms every day you live, which is why we cannot fixate our relationships or our partners into one image, memory or sentiment. Always keep in mind who your Mr. Right is and what makes him that and don’t confuse him with an image or standard that is unrealistic. Remember, Mr. Perfect does not equal Mr. Right; otherwise, you will always have them fighting for your love.

Ana "The Guru"
LWC